Chapter 3:

Chapter 3: Is it Good to Be a Bad Girl? 

This chapter of the book contains many of the answers you might be looking for when you picked up this book, but I'm telling you there is much more gain by finishing this book.

One of the things I learned as a Christian is that boundaries/fences are a great way to make sure you stick to the proverb:

Proverbs 25:16 If you find honey, eat just enough--too much of it, and you will vomit.

What this is talking about is any good thing, or any allowable thing. There are things the Bible says are clearly wrong and the next verse isn't talking about those.

1 Corth 10:23 "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is constructive.

Sin is a slippery slop, most people end up having adultery, battling an addiction don't set out to be a slave to it. So fences are a way of reminding ourselves where the road we are on could go.

So lets talk about some fences.

Adultery

The first time I heard a lesson on fences for this subject I was wishing someone had told them about these fences earlier. The fences brought on so much freedom to enjoy life and some boundaries

for dealing with the opposite sex.

1. 
   
   Never be in a room with the door closed with the opposite sex. Never be in a place where you know the only ones around are you and the person of the opposite sex.
2. 
   
   Never be in a car alone with a person of the opposite sex or with children who cannot understand adult conversation. Don't offer a ride to anyone of the opposite sex without someone else of your sex in the car.
3. 
   
   Never share your heart struggles, daily struggles with someone of the opposite sex.
4. 
   
   Always be where you are suppose to be.
5. 
   
   If someone looks really good I turn away and don't look again.

These above are my boundaries. The reason for number 3 particularly is that sin doesn't start in the physical it starts with the heart.

James 1:15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Number 4 is a reference to what happened to David when he wasn't where he was suppose to be. He was suppose to be off at war, instead he was looking out his window at home. 2 Samuel 11:1-5. It's a good story with an important lesson.

I don't ever plan to remove these fences.

Gluttony (sins of overdoing it)

Food

1. I never keep things in my house I could completely eat all of in one sitting. Cookies are a good example.
2. I practice fasting: I turn this area over to God completely. Ever wonder how anyone could fast 40 days and nights without food or water? They used God in there weakness.

Eventually, I will be able to have cookies around but until then I use that as a fence. The fasting will help me keep in perspective what food is actually for. The nourishment of our Physical body. Fasting is also a new area of trust building with God. It says I trust that you can provide what I need today. Fasting also draws us closer to God because combined with prayer you will see some huge changes in your life.

Computer:

1. I was addicted to facebook. So I had to completely deactivate my account. It took almost 4 months for me to get this addiction under control. During this time I had to set some other fences so I could reactivate my account and use it in a non-gluttony manner.
2. I only respond or even go to facebook when I have a notification.
3. I am only allowed on facebook one time per day.
4. I am not allowed to use any of the programs that run on facebook: games, farmville etc.

Not all things can be only be eliminated part way such as addictions that fall into Idolatry.   

Addiction (Idolatry)

Whatever you are actually addicted to God can help. You will have to set some fences early for these just like I did for the Adultery. One of the other things here is an accountability partner. They can help you in putting these fences on paper and reminding you of them. However, just like anything you have to want to be free from the sin/addiction. Anything you cannot give up is an Idol and you must destroy or free yourself from it.

Deuteronomy 5:8: You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 

So here's the start of getting rid of them.   YOU SHOULD SEEK HELP, PROFESSIONALLY!

1. List the things, places, habits that get you to the point of sin.
2. Example: Sitting in a dark car alone. Going to a bar. Going outside with all the other smokers. Being allowed access to prescription drugs.Eliminate the above in your life.

Matthew 5:29 If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

God teaches us when there is a possibility of sin drastic measures should be taken just like in the verse above. The things we do to stop the addiction may hurt. He doesn't actually mean to actually do damage to your eye but the things we do may cost us something. We should set these fences early.

Examples:

You have to dump your boyfriend or girlfriend.

You used to get 3 breaks a day when you smoked now you only get one.

You have to completely give up the substance that took away the hurt or provided the feeling you liked

To overcome addictions you have to deal with a loss. You will go through the grieving process. It is best not to go it alone. Some of these fences you will never be able to remove.

One thing I have learned is that: Your flesh always looks for new ways to tie themselves to this earth/world, so you have to find new ways with God's help to let them go.

2 Corinthians 5:2 Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked.

Chapter 2:

Chapter 2:  My Bedroom Ceiling Hasn’t Changed in the Past Five Years

So girls,  how are you doing at “working on your sex life”?   Are you in a routine or are you trying with all your heart?  Make sure you read Chapter 2:   I"m not just repeating the book for you.  She has a lot of good info:

1 Corth 10:31:  So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 

Your relationship with your Husband, just like the relationship with God takes work.   So lets start with your priority list:

1. God
2. Husband
3: Kids

The above is the correct order.  Is this what your looks like or does your look more like this?

1.  Kids
2.  Laundry
3.  Dishes
4.  House
5.  Survival


Sometimes our Husband's, just like God, don’t make even our top 5 or our even our top 10.   This is where the trouble starts.   


Let’s start with number 1:  God

2 Corinthians 11:2  I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him. 

What this means if he is not number 1 everything else will be chaos.  He wants you to have him in the number one spot.  He loves you and he will fight for you.  You can refuse God and refuse to love him back. The big question is?  So, If you died tonight to you honestly believe you would go to heaven?   

 The bible says you can be sure of your salvation

1 John 5:13  I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life. 

What things is he talking about?  Look back in the chapter, and look back through the whole of the bible.  You can’t take part of the bible and leave other parts.  The whole Bible agrees with itself.   See Bible Plan of Salvation, under READ FIRST.

Ecclesiastes 4:11-12 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

If God is in your marriage and you have made a covenant (everlasting agreement) with him he will help you with your marriage.   You do have to do your part that being the pray about it and work part.  


Ok now what about number 2?   Your Husband.  What is he being replaced by?


1.  Kids
2.  Housework
3.  Social events
4.  Busy work
5.  Job
6.  Sleep

1 Corth 7: 3-5: The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 

These were tough verses for me when I was knee deep in caring for my kids.   How was I going to manage to give all day long to my kids and still have enough energy and motivation for my husband at night.  


So I started working on the first problem Energy.   What zaps your energy?


1.  Lack of sleep   
2.  Housework
3.  Social outings
4.  Lack of exercise


This is just my list.   What is on your list?  


Fixing my problems:  
1.  Sleep: How many hours of sleep do I get?   If it is less than 8 you too my friend have a problem.   I used to spend my nights staying up late because that was the only time my kids were asleep.   I also would refuse to take the advice, “if the child is sleeping sleep too.  I begin to actually take naps.   Not the 2 hour naps that make you feel horrible but the 15 minute naps (I had to set a timer for 20 min because it took me 5 minutes to settle down).   Where are my kids at this time?  Taking there own naps.   You may have to give up something like face book or tv to get your sleep. 
2.  Housework:   Well the advice your mom used to give you still rings true.   When you make the mess clean it up and you will not have as much of a mess.   I liked to wait and do my laundry once a week.  Seeing as I have 4 kids that is about 12 loads of laundry in one day.  Now, not only did I not fold it all immediately I waited until all the clean clothes were piled up to the ceiling and were falling out of the baskets waiting to be folded.   Another thing about housework is it repeats itself on a daily basis so I got tired of doing it everyday.   One thing that worked for me was to ask my husband what is the most important chore that you notice if it is not done.   His response dishes and a clean kitchen.  So I make this my primary focus.   Telling him that you are trying to add a nap time in and can’t do all the chores and get ready for sex helps too.   
3.  Social outings:  I like to stay busy and like my kids to stay busy too. So I find that if I spend all 5 days out a week.  I get absolutely nothing done and no nap.  So I had to schedule down days.   I schedule 2 in to work on the house and be lazy at home.   
4.   Lack of exercise:  Here’s the fast hard truth.  It really does add energy and does help with motivation, which we will get too.   After not doing any real exercise during 4 pregnancy’s I was completely out of shape.  All I wanted to do was lay on the couch or sit at the computer.  I was tired all the time.   So I found a gym with free childcare and went to work.   The cost of the gym was less than buying one meal out for the family so I sacrificed that one meal to have 2-3 days a week childless for a maximum of 2 hours.   So there you go that is my real motivation for going to the gym.   


So what contributes to your lack of motivation?


1.  Your body?
2.  Don’t really want too?
3.  Don’t’ feel sexy ?
4.  Damaged relationship with husband?
       
I can honestly say that I had all the above.   


Fixing my Motivation:  
1. My Body:  I used the gym to help me with the body aspect.  I also had to remind myself that after four kids some things will never be the same.  

Proverbs 31:30: Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 

I really had to mourn that loss.   It took a while.
2. Want too?  I had to decide if I was going to work on my marriage.  I had to want too.   Chances are if you are reading this blog you care about your marriage and you want too.  
3.  Me Sexy? I was scared to be the woman the way God created me to be.   Certain aspects of my past made me feel that being a woman was weak and that all men wanted was sex.   That I could never really be loved.   So I made a wall to protect my heart.  I would refuse to look sexy.   I refused to look female.  I dressed in baggy clothes.   I didn’t wear make up.   I was all ways the tom boy.   Now I’m not saying that being a woman means you can’t lift heavy loads I’m just saying I used it as a wall.   I finally began to understand what being a woman was really like when I got a book.   It pointed me too God’s plan for woman.  The Title:  Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul.   It's under my favorites:   
4.  Damaged relationship? How do you make a relationship work?   The answer  Time.  That was exactly what my relationship was lacking.  My husband had been traveling extensively so when he came home my heart was not with him.   So how do you fix it.  Spend time with your husband.   With children I admit it is hard to get away and really spend time with your husband but date nights are a must.   Time alone with the two of you is a must.   Another book on how to mend things:  “The Love Dare”.   Make the first move your marriage is worth it.  


Homework:   Your lists?   What things prevent you from having sex?   Energy and Motivation?    We will look at some more things to help later on.

Memory Verse: Proverbs 31:30

Going further:  Talk about these with your husband and see if he has any suggestions for you?

Chapter 1: part 2

Let's look at what it means for sex to be a gift of God:

James 1:17: Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Genesis 1

26Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth,^b and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

27So God created man in his own image,

in the image of God he created him;

male and female he created them.

28God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

29Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. 30And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.” And it was so.

31God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

God ex-calmed that everything he made on the 6th day was Very Good. He made both male and female and ex-calmed that his creation was very Good. He tells them to be fruitful and multiply, aka have sex. Sex is very good and it was created by God.

Now lets look how man/woman got it all wrong.

Romans 1:18-32:

18The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

21For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools 23and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

24Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

28Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. 29They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. 32Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

So God created sex as good but it was perverted by man.

Some other types of God's Gifts are:

1. Salvaton: Eph 2:8
2. To be married or remain single: 1 corth 7:7
3. Eternal life: Rom 6:23
4. To find satisfaction in work: Ecc 3:13
5. enjoyment of wealth and possessions: Ecc 5:19
6. Children: Gen 30:20

There are many others gifts listed but each on of the gifts can be perverted, just as the gift of sex.

Other ways that sex can be perverted is by the lies we believe. Three lies are mentioned in "No more Headaches".

1. God created sex primarily for a man’s pleasure.

2. Eroticism = sexual immorality

3. The greatest pleasures of Sex are Immediate

Right now at this time which ones do you believe?

I can honestly say I believed all 3.

So what’s it going to be.? Do we hunker down and get to work learning about our new gift which we thought was a curse or do we just keep doing our duty?

Are you ready for some teaching from God on this gift of sex?

Home work:

You know he wrote a whole book of the bible on love and sex in a marriage? Read Song of Solomon.

Memory verse:

James 1:17

Going further: Read song of Solomon with your husband. Begin talking about things that "get you going". Start thinking about your barriers to sex?

Don't forget read chapter 2: My Bedroom Ceiling Hasn't Changed in the Past Five Years

Chapter One

Chapter 1: You got me what? If you have not read this chapter please do so.....

Ok girls lets get into some real discussion.

1. What do you want sex to be?

2. What is it really like for you?

3. What ways are you disappointed?

We all know that a song can bring you back to the moment you first heard it. How about a familiar smell? We have all had Deja-vu moments when we think of something from the past.

Now imagine you are having sex with your husband when a thought comes in your mind..... It could be a thought of past loves, it could be a thought from a book you just read, it could be something you watched on TV, or it could be from the last time you had sex with your husband.

Not only now are you completely in your own little world but you are creating expectations for this sexual encounter with your husband.

The battle begins here......what are you thinking about when you are having sex?

My battle....

Before I was married, I had sex with close to 16 guys. I know the Bible tells you not to do this but at the time I wanted love and I thought my body was the way to get it. Lets not get into the reasons I thought I was not loved. My actions produced a consequence, a consequence the Bible and God tried to spare me from. The consequence of remembering my past and trying to not put certain expectations on my husband. How about you are you woman who brings these encounters into your marriage bed?

I also loved to read romance novels. I loved how the maiden was swept off her feet by prince charming. Do you bring these encounters into your marriage bed?

I was exposed to the addictive pull of porn by one of those before marriage sexual encounters. I wanted every sexual encounter to be more and more exciting. More and more toys, more experimentation..... The thing is that it is never enough. Do you bring this into your marriage bed?

Sex with your husband cannot be based on expectation. When you are having sex and thinking about something else it has no hope of being the gift God has for you. You have to be fully there.

Is this easy? No.

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We will get more into this discussion later but here is your homework....

1. Create a list: What are your expectations for your husband

2. Now write next to those where you got that expectation

Bible verses: Yes, you do have to memorize it.

1 corth. 13:4. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

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Do you really want to change anything? If so ask your husband the above questions. Talk about it. Work together on this bible study... Remember the memory verse and don't forget to pray about it before talking to your husband.

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Your quiet time.....

1. Apologize to God for things you bring into the marriage bed.

2. Ask him to help you find ways to focus on your husband during sex.

Purpose of this Blog

This Blog is for my busy girls, the girls who work hard, love hard and follow hard. Sometimes with children it is hard to have a conversation about God. So this blog will not take away but be an enhancer to Bible Study. It lets us approach our Bible study in a calmer time. We will still play together and talk about our father, but now we have time to get into his word at a less chaotic time.

Before starting to read this Blog please check out the Bible Plan of Salvation Post.

Then we will move on to our new study which is based on the book, "No More Headaches", by Juli Slattery.

For those of you in Young Moms of Bucks and Montgomery Co. and their friends a private group for discussion is located at http://www.meetup.com/Young-Moms-Bible-Study-Group/

If you are reading this site from outside of the meetup group please message me directly for discussion.

Bible Plan of Salvation

1. Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ

And without faith it is impossible to please God, for whoever would approach him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. Heb. 11: 6 Others: John 3:16, Acts 16:31, Mark 16: 15-16

2. Repent of your Sins

Repent and be Baptized every one of you for the forgiveness of sins and the gift of the Holy Spirit. Acts 2:38 Others: Luke 15:3-5, 15:7, Acts 17:30,31. Luke 13:5

What is repentance Romans 2:4, II Cor. 7:10, Luke 15;17-20

3. Confess your faith in Jesus Christ

Everyone therefore who acknowledges me before others, I also will acknowledge before my father in heaven, but whoever denies me before others, I also will deny before my Father in heaven. Matt 10:32-33 Others: Acts 8:36, 37 Romans 10:9

4. Baptism (immersion)

And baptism, which this prefigured, now saves you, not as a removal of dirt from the body, but as an appeal to God for a good conscience, through the resurrection of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 3:21 Others: Matthew 28:18-20, Mark 16:16, John 3:5, Acts 2:38, 8:36-39, 16:33, 22:16, Romans 6:3-6, Col 2:12, Gal 3:27, Eph 4:5, Luke 3:21

5: Be Faithful until Death

And Because of the increase of lawlessness, the love of many will grow cold. But the one who endures to the end will be saved. Matt 24:12,13 Others: 1 Cor. 15:58, Acts 2:42, 11 Peter 1:5-12, Rev. 2:10

For the Wages of sin is Death, but the FREE gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23