Chapter 9 and 10

I'm doing the discussion of these last two chapters a little different.   You will need to read the chapters, and they are totally worth the read.

Chapter 9:

If you read romance novels, enjoy watching Victoria secret commercials, watch porn, role play or pretend your spouse is someone else during sex, chapter 9 is definitely for you.  

Porn whether it be soft or hard has devastating  effects on your marriage.   Please read this chapter whether or not you think you have a problem in this area.

Chapter 10: 
This chapter is the Love chapter that will call you to account.  It's also a great review.

You and your husband have different needs:  "Love is not self-seeking"  Do you seek your fulfillment first?  

His sex drive is different that yours:   "Love is not easily angered and does not boast" Do you get mad because he wants sex more frequent than you or even less frequent than you? 

Some times you are just to tired:  "Love always perseveres.  Do you use all your energy doing other things?  Do you need to give up some busy work or revive your energy?   

Sometimes children can get in the way:  " Love is patient"  Are you patient?   Do little things or children take all your time?  

Sometimes it's boring:  " Love always hopes and is not rude"  Do you try your hardest to please your spouse or are you somewhere else?  

The past comes up again:   "Love rejoices with the truth and always protects.  Love does not keep a  record of wrong."  Have you set up fences to protect your marriage?   Does your past contribute to your pleasure with your husband or wife?

You don't feel sexy:   "Love is kind and not proud.  Love never fails."  Does what you look like or what you don't look like interfere with your ability to have sex or enjoy sex?  

Pornography is in your marriage:  "Love does not delight in evil and does not keep a record of wrongs."  Do you delight in evil?  Did you forgive your spouse or are you continuing to call him/her to account?  ______________________________________________

Homework:   What do you need to work on in your marriage?   Make a list, re-read that chapter.  Make an action plan.   Get to work.

Memory verses: 

1 Corth. 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Going further:  

Talk to your spouse about your issues above, ask for suggestions?

Chapter 8

Chapter 8: I can't Compete with That

This chapter is all about Body Image, yours and his. How you view yourself and him has a tremendous impact on your sex life.

My struggle with a low body image came in my teenage years. I started the compare game. I noticed someones hair that was prettier than mine or someones figure that was more what I wanted. It didn't help for someone to point out the changes in my abdomen (your flat before puberty hits, never again). I found myself trying to fit in and wear the right clothes, makeup and looking at magazines I never looked at before all to make myself be someone I was not. I was not happy with the way I was.

It took on another level as I went to college and gained the “Freshman 20” that's 20 lbs for those of you not familiar. My activity level dropped for physical sports as the nights of studying increased. I developed a huge fear of getting fat. I ate nothing and by body paid the price, low blood sugar, passing out, freezing most of the time.

Then, I had 2 children of which came along at the time of my “great depression”. I felt ugly, depressed and I didn't make any effort to get out of the depression. You would find me lonely, in pj's for most of the day and my basic hygiene was poor. I didn't do anything to get my husbands attention because this was the time we were the furthest apart, physically and emotionally. He traveled most of the time and I hated it. It had a huge impact on our sex life.

My husband accepted a new job so we moved to California. We reconnected and I found myself not only taking care of my hygiene needs but again wanting to be the sparkle in his eye. I finally started to accept the image that was me and that I didn't have to be like everyone else. I needed to be my unique own person. We had our third child and I was ok with how I looked. I felt sexy. I had turned off the tv and been hanging out with other moms. I was comfortable in who I was.

We moved again and I had another child. I gained a lot of weight and was really not healthy. I couldn't jump in the air, I couldn't run with my kids and I had no energy. My motivation was really to get healthy. I lost 35 lbs and my mind motivation changed again. I was no longer happy with my stomach that looked like a bag and I set out to find a way to change it. I no longer accepted the compliments from my husband saying I looked just as good as when we got married. I started the compare game again. This is where I was when I looked at this chapter.

If you are where I am, you know this chapter hit's way close to home.

This chapter reminded me where my heart motivation should be. It reminded me that my body would just get worse. It reminded me that the only beauty that lasts is beauty God intended.

1 Peter 3:3-6 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands,like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Did you catch that?   A gentle, quite and submissive spirit is the only beauty that lasts.  It also points us to the root of the problem with body image.

You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

That's right, it's fear.

1. Fear of not being perfect
2. Fear of not being pretty enough
3. Fear of our husbands looking at someone else
4. Fear of not being accepted
5. Fear of what others think
6. Fear of not having a voice or the last word
7. Fear of someone not listening
8. Fear of someone else being happy when we are not.
9. Fear
10. Fear

Fear is the opposite of Trust.

Do you trust God enough?

Do you trust your husband enough?

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Homework: Identify your fears

Memory verse:

1 Peter 3: 3-4 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

Going further: Talk to your husband about your fears and let him talk about his.

Chapter 7

Chapter 7: “Try the Oyster, Dear”

As humans there is lots of changes that occur in our lives. Just to name a few take these verses for example from Ecclesiastes 3:

1There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

2a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

So even if this chapter wasn't pertinent to you it will be. If your at a struggling point in your marriage when it comes to sex or the lack of, don't count all as a loss. God can heal your marriage and your sex life.

This chapter is sort of the starting point to talk about the problems you and your spouse might be having in your sexual relationship. There is often the temptation when things are going bad to not talk and not ask for help from God or from a good Christian counselor. I myself had a very difficult time in my marriage that I just avoided the subject but it only got worse. It's like the old elephant in the room type of situation. It's a hot subject and no one wants to go near it because it can explode into a nasty situation of blame casting and hurt feelings. Let me first encourage you, you are not alone.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

I'm certainly not saying leave your spouse, I am saying look for a way out of the temptation to leave or ignore the situation.

I think this is a good chapter to discuss communication skills with a list of do's and don't. If you see you've been doing something on the don't list apologize for it and try again.

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Do:

*Set a time and date to talk with your spouse so you can pray and also they know it's coming. You don't have to give all the details but tell them to pray also for the conversation upcoming. This also shows respect for there time and that you think this is important. This also allows for some for thought about meals and in house routines and privacy.

* Allow plenty of time and sit close to each other. Don't stand while one sits, be on the same level.

* Use I statements not you. It may make your spouse defensive if you use you.

*A good way to show another person that you are listening carefully to him or her is to repeat what he or she has said. Say for example your partner tells you: "You have been very distant lately," you then say, "So you are saying I have been distant?"

Follow up with an open ended question like "Tell me more about what you mean." By saying that, you can verify what the other person has said and make him or her feel comfortable about talking to you about his or her concern.

* Do make the person you are talking to feel secure by offering a lot of support and appreciation. This gets the silent types to open up more and feel at ease.

* Do listen carefully and avoid interrupting while the other person is talking. I know this can be difficult, just keep working on it.

* Do relax. Feeling anxious can mess up your confidence and attention. Take deep breathes when you feel like you need to end the conversation because of fear or panic.

* Do get to the point and be clear on what you want to get across or if you have any questions.

*Do watch your tone and body language.

Don't

* Don’t use offensive vocabularies and expressions in the way you communicate. It is very disrespectful and cheapens your communication skills.

* Don’t feel that everything has to be resolved at one time, one problem at a time. Reschedule a new time to talk.

* Don’t make your date or partner feel uncomfortable by judging, criticizing, or making fun of what he or she has to say.

*Don't do all the talking allow your spouse a chance to talk or voice his/her concerns/needs.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

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Homework: Start practicing your communication skills and paying attention to how you communicate and how your spouse communicates to you.

Memory verse:

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Going further: Here is a free test based on Gary Chapman's book “The Five Love Languages”

Find out yours and your husband love language. They can change through your lifetime but it is a good place to start now to know how to show love to your spouse. http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

Chapter 6

Chapter 6:  What is this creature called "Man"?

After reading this chapter, I realized how uneducated I really am. Everyone talks about how strong a women's hormones are (ie. PMS)  and how they affect her behavior, but even as a nurse, I had no idea what the hormone testosterone does for men.  This chapter was a big eye opener for me.   

So women, how long have you been looking at your side of the story and not realizing what is going on with him? I admit, I have been doing this a long time. We want to know what is going on with him but really we want to know what is going on with him and how it pertains to us. After reading this chapter, I realize how selfish I really am. Do you?  

So now that the guilt has come how do you and I deal with it?

1. We go to the source, God

I apologize to God for being selfish and not really understanding my husband and assuming he could control his hormones completely and not let them affect me, when I know mine often have a way of affecting me. I tell him all the wrong things I think about my husband, how selfish I thought he was. I apologize for how selfish I really am. I apologize for minimizing his pain (the whole picture of over filled with milk breasts, really spoke to me).

Matthew 7:5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Philippians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Did you start reading this book primary for you or to fix your husband? I apologize to God for trying to fix my husband and realizing what was broken was my vision or my view. I apologize to God for my selfish ambition.

2. I go to my husband after a prayer time with God.

I take the time to apologize for not understanding him at all and thinking he didn't understand me. I ask for his help in learning him. I tell him how sorry I am that I have not met his needs sexually. I apologize for not understanding how his hormones affect him. I apologize for thinking he was selfish for not understanding me and my needs and how I was really selfish in not understanding him and thinking only of myself. I Don't lie. I don't make promises I can't keep.  I ask for patience from him husband as I make changes in my heart and attitude about sex and in my heart and attitude toward him.   

3. I allow God and my husband to help mold me into a wife who really loves my husband not just what he can do for me.

1 Corinthians 13:5 (Love)It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

4. I make a commitment to study my husband to learn him. To not be so concerned by my own well being that I forget my husband.

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This is the make it or break it chapter. It is the chapter that demands change. Will you change?

James 1:22-25 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it--he will be blessed in what he does.

Will you obey with your heart?

1 Corinthians 7:4-5 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Will you change only because of guilt or for genuine love for you husband?  Love is an action or a verb it requires action or work, the feelings come after the work or action.

1 Corinthians 16:14 Do everything in love.

If your changing because of guilt only your changes will not last.

This chapter also talks a bit about manipulation of your husband. Have you been manipulating your husband? If so stop, apologize, and don't' do it again.

It also talks about improving the bond between you and your husband. Work on that.

Homework: Questions at the end of the chapter.

Memory verse:

1 Corinthians 16:14 Do everything in love.

Going further: Re-read this chapter, high light what your actions have been and find verses to help you change. Put them where you can see them and work on memorization. Honestly talk to your husband.

Chapter 5: A different kind of Headache

This is the chapter where we take a close look at Song of Solomon, also called Song of Songs in the Bible.

This book is the ideal book on relationships starting with dating, marriage and after marriage. It has a lot of information on sex and since this chapter was all about learning and sex and the Bible is a best place to start. It also gives us a good idea on God's plan for sex and what the gift of sex can be like.   

Dating and Preparing for marriage:

Chapter 1-2 and part of chapter 3 deal with dating and attributes for a Mate/Spouse: 

Chapter 1

v1: Tells us who wrote the book:  Solomon

       She says:  Men pay attention you will see what a woman wants.   Women pay attention to when Solomon talks you will see what a man wants:  

v2: I want an Affectionate and loving man

v3: This verse talks of anointing oils, think of it as perfume for men. They didn't have deodorant or take baths      as regularly as we do. She wants a well groomed man who is respected

v4: Draw me after you: She wants a leader and she is also day dreaming about sex with him.

v5-v6: She wants a man who is accepting. Dark people in this time are usually the working class. You wanted to be white. She was embarrassed how dark she was. Notice the word vineyard. Vineyard is her body.

v7-8: A man who is approachable. She wants to be more to him than his companions. She calls him a Shepard here and in verse 8 he tell her to be beside the shepherds tent. That means him.

       He says:

v8-10: He is an Affirming man. He affirms her “Fairest among women and talks of her body how lovely she is.

v10,11: He wants someone to adorn with jewelry.

      She says:

v12: She wants closeness. Women put bags of scent between breasts for perfume.

v14: She wants to be refreshed. En-gedi is an Oasis.

      He says:

v15-v16: He wants her to be attracted also to him. Eyes are doves: Doves stayed loyal to one mate. Sort of saying “Only have eyes for you”

v16: She is charming

v17: He wants her to go on outings with him. Couch is green is reference to grass, trees, pinetrees. Sort of picnic in the grass type of things.

Chapter 2

     He Says:

v2: Exclusivity; He is telling her she is the only one for him.

     She says:

v3: She tells him he is her first choice too and that he creates some Powerful Feelings of love sickness in her.

v4: She wants to feel loved.

v5: Raisins were an aphrodisiac. She is telling of her desires for him and again daydreaming.

v6: This is her desire to be close to him and him to fondle her. Note positions of hands here. This is still part of her dream not what is happening at this time.

v7: Do not stir up or awaken love until it is ready. Not until marriage.

***special note here for single people. It's ok to day dream of your mate but notice he hasn't even kissed her yet. She is telling him her desire for him. Don't stir up or awaken love until is is ready is a warning to not start down the road that leads to sex.

v8-v14: She is excited about the wedding day. She is physically attracted to him and likes the whole package of him.

Weddings in Biblical times were a bit different. Husbands and wifes would be chosen for each other often at birth by their parents as they come of age the husband would talk to the father of his bride and they would be engaged. Then the Husband would go and prepare his house and the wedding feast and party. Then he would go to get his wife and the marriage ceremony/party would begin. The party lasted 3-7 days in which that time the husband and wife would consummate (have sex) in the marriage in the marriage chamber, while the party went on outside the room.

v15: Foxes used to eat the the grapes in the vineyards. What they are saying here is to resolve difficulties before they get big.

v16: They belong to one another. She wants him to hurry to come to her.

Chapter 3:

    She says:

v1. She really really loves this guy.

v2: She looks for him to catch a glimpse

of him.

v3. She couldn't imagine a life without him. She inquires of him.

v4: She held him and took him to her house. The Chamber that conceived me is talking here of having parental blessing. She does not hide him from her parents.

*****single note: You need to have your parents approve of your future mate. They know you the best and they want the best for you. Don't date in secret. Also again you have the warning in v.5 Don't waken love until it is ready.

v5. Don't awaken love until it is ready.

The Wedding:

v6-v11. WEDDING PROCESSION:  I would have loved to have seen this wedding.  

v11: In tradition of weddings the mother put a laurel wreath on her son when she approved of his marriage.

Honeymoon and sex 101:

Those of you who are married this is where the teaching about sex starts.  If you are not married I suggest you stop reading.   The warning don't awaken love until it is ready applies here.

Chapter 4 

v1-3: He starts with sweet talk and a facial focus.

He comments her on her eyes, her hair, her teeth, lips, mouth and checks. Kissing is going on here.

v4. He pays attention to her neck

v5. He they goes down to her breasts.

v6 Mountain of myrrh, hill of frankincense (this is talking specifically of the female clitoris) which is located in the garden (vaginal area). Note he has not yet went inside of her. He is awaking her sexually too.

v7: He continues to tell her how beautiful she is and talk tenderly too her.

v8: He wants her to come away with him to forget everything but him.

v9: He tells her how much she turns him on.

v10: He tells her how good she smells

v11-v16: When a woman is ready for intercourse? These verses will give you the answer.

v11: Honey and milk are under your tongue. When a woman is ready for intercourse the act of sex there is a change in her mouth. How do you know you have to kiss her and it will taste sweet like honey. He doesn't move off her clitoris until he tastes honey.

v12: He is talking about her being a virgin here. Her hymen is still intact. He's working on fondling here.

v13: Also a woman will start to ooze fluid from her vaginal area (channel). Everything gets really wet. He is talking about her smell here. Not a perfume.

v14-15: She is fondling her and she has an orgasm (streams from Lebanon). 

v16: She is bidding him to come into her garden: (Have sex with her). She is fully awake and ready for sex so she really wants him.

Chapter 5

v1: So he does and man is satisfied. God is also blessing this couple. Eat, drink, and be drunk with love. This is the end with the love making session

Marriage sex and some lessons learned

v2: Kings and Queens slept in different rooms. So here he has come to her and wants to have sex.

v3: Her response was that she didn't wanna get dressed again or get her feet dirty to open the door.

v4: So he tries to unlock the door, he showed her how interested he really was and she realized she really wanted him too.  

*****Sometimes our husbands want us and we don't realize how much so by denying him he may stop trying to get us interested because he is heart broken and he is afraid of rejection.

v5: so she jumps up to open the door. He left myrrh on the door, he had groomed himself for her.

v6: He had already left. So she tried to find him.

v7: She was slightly humbled because she had put him off and they made fun of her.

v8: She now yearned for him and wanted the message passed to him.

v9: Others asking what make your lover so much better than any other that we should pass this message to him.

v10-15: She tells them what he is like all the good things.

v16: He sweet talks her and is her lover and friend

Chapter 6:

v1: They are looking with her to find him. Also this is a good lesson to seek reconciliation quickly when an offense happens. When one is hurt go to him or her.

v2: This is where we find the guy. He didn't do anything rash he went to work tending the sheep. 

v3 she goes to him and admits fault.

v4-v7: He doesn't lecture and doesn't recount the fault. He extends grace and tells her how beautiful she is. Tirzah is a beautiful city in Israel.

*****This is a good lesson on making things right again.   Seek forgiveness and extend grace to those who have hurt you.  

v8-v10: There are a lot of others fish in the pond but you are number one. My interest in you is not only sexual.  

******If the only thing to your marriage is physical attraction you may be in for a world of hurt.  You will never look as good as when you were when first got married.   Love is a verb it requires action not just feelings.  Feelings are result of action.

v11-12: She checks him out to see if he is still interested. The whole down his pants sort of thing.

v13-14: “Dance before two armies” is a seductive wedding dance. Think of this as the I can't keep my hands or lips to myself as we find a place to lay down.

Chapter 7:

v1: He starts this time at her feet.  He also moves up to her legs.

v2: He is fondling her here (navel- womb, inner genital).

v3: Plays with her breasts.

v4: Kissing neck and going back to a facal focus

v5: He continues to complement her.

v6-v7: He sweet talks her.

v8-v9 He does the check to see if she is ready with her mouth and kisses.

v10: She is happy he still desires her

v11-v13: She wants to go away and discover what really makes him happy sexually and learn about each other and each others bodies.

Chapter 8:

v1: I wanted you even before I could get you.

v2-v3: She tells him of her dreams of him and her desire for him.

v4: She remembers and tells others “it is worth the wait”

v5: Now you see them coming out of the wilderness the next morning. She recounts waking him the next morning.

v6: Here she says seal me in your heart and on your arm. Their love is Intimate

Strong as death, passion fierce as the grave. Flashes of fire, raging flame: Their love is intense

v7: Cannot quench there love. Their love is indestructible

More valuable than wealth: Their love is valuable

v8: Here the brothers are talking: The brothers protect her virginity until her marriage.

v9: The brothers say if she is a wall we will reinforce the wall: meaning we will still protect her even if she protects herself already. If she is a door: She doesn't protect herself we will protect her.

v10: She says she was a wall and he was the first one her heart desired.

v11: Solomon had a harem with other women each entrusted to a keeper.

v12 She kept her self for him and she is more valuable then all his harem.

v13: They are saying good bye

v14: They tell each other to hurry back.

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Homework:  Go over this chapter with your husband.   Be patient.   It's not easy to learn a new way of doing things and he needs time to learn you just like you need time to learn him.   

Memory verse:   

Song of Solomon 8:14:   Make haste, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or a young stag upon the mountains of spices:   

 Let this remind you to not go long between your love making sessions.   

Going further:   Make plans to get away just the two of you where the only activity is enjoying each other.

Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Is “Sexy Mom” an Oxymoron?

I wasn't sure what to teach on this chapter besides what was in the book so the fact I had an extra week to think, pray and meditate was a good thing.

So lets talk about being a mom. Are you a mom or a mom only? The reason I ask this is it is really easy to fall into the I can't be a wife, friend, sister or any other role when you take on the role as mom.

Remember we talked about priority earlier.

1. God
2. Husband
3. Children

I want to address a couple of things that keep us from venturing into any other role besides mom. In addressing them, I want to make my intent clear. My intent is to give you tools to use to help keep your priority's in check. I do not intent to bash any mother or compare any mom to another mom or myself. I will not sugar coat any information that is in the Bible for fear of offending someone.

Fear

Every mom has fears or worries or what if's?

Let me share with you a lesson I learned. 

When my oldest Joshua arrived at 35 weeks all though small he seemed fine, nursed fine, slept fine and did all his pee's and poo's fine. We took him home snd the first night went well. The second day he just could not figure out how to nurse again he got more and more frustrated and just could not eat. I took him the the pediatrician and he reassured me that he was fine but he said if I was really concerned that I could take him to the ER. We went to the ER and they took his temperature it was getting lower and lower. He also was having a hard time staying awake and would not nurse so because of this temperature being low they were concerned of infection so they prepared him for a spinal tap. The nurse picked him up and he stopped breathing. Before I could react they had a code cart going at him. I was in shock but I remember falling to my knees and praying through the Spirit to God for my son. It was then that I realized he was not MY son. He was the Lord's kid, who was in trusted to me. A blessing from God.

He recovered but was in the NICU for a week and we came home on Saturday. I remember people telling me at church the next morning. “Why did you bring him here instead of staying at home.” My reason was that I knew the only reason my child was alive was entirely God's plan and I wanted to sing his praise out loud with my church family.

My speaking minister always gives out a frog to new parents to remind us Fully Reliant on God. As a mom we have to be.

The opposite of Fear is really Trust.

Trust comes by knowing God, and knowing he is out for your good. You get to know God by reading his word.

Matthew 18:10 "See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.

Did you know that? I didn't find this verse until I needed it, right after the Joshua came home with a heart monitor, he had Apnea of Prematurity, which meant he could stop breathing at anytime and the monitor would stun him awake if not we would have to do CPR.

Acts: 17:26-27 From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.

So what if he had died? Would it have been from the fault of a pediatrician who did not take his mom seriously? Would it have been from me not realizing something was wrong? Would it have been fault of the ER doctors for not taking a correct temperature?

From the verse above it reminds us who is in control. It remind us that nothing happens outside of Gods hands. He allows thing to happen to us for our own good.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

If he died should I feel guilty?

I John 4:16-19 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.

What this means is because we know that God loves us we can accept that everything that happens from this life is allowed by him and that it will be for our good. It also means that when something tragic happens it is not just punishment for our behavior or actions. It is something to grow us for our good and/or for someone else's good.

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

So loosen your hold on your children, take a night out or a long weekend for your spouse. Know that God is in control and nothing happens outside of his hands. He/she also has an angel there that continually sees God's face. Realize you really HAVE NO CONTROL of what happens to your child.

Lack of Discipline

Sometimes we forget with our kids who is supposed to be in charge. Is it honor your father and mother or honor your children?

Proverbs 29:15 The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.

This takes us back to priorities again does your child take that second place because he demands all your time and attention. Can you not have a date night because your child will not behave for a sitter or that your afraid the house will blow up.

The Bible does not leave us to fend for ourself or to opinions of “helpful strangers”.

How does God discipline us?

Hebrews 12:5-13 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

1. God tells us his rules up front and expects us to obey immediately.

John 14:23 Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.

2. God punishes disobedience.

James 1:15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Do you punish disobedience? Do you set rules and expect them to be obeyed? If you make rules and do not follow through they really are not rules just suggestions.

1. 
   
   Set rules for behavior
2. 
   
   punish disobedience
   
   
   What type of punishment should you use? If you look at God's punishment it says No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.

It has to hurt to cause them to cause them to not to want to do it again.

Spankings: Physically hurt

Time out: Emotionally hurt

Loss of privileges or things: Emotionally hurt.

Spankings: I wanna speak specifically on Spanking for a bit. A child should never be disciplined physically to the extent it causes actual physical damage. Spankings should only be administered by a calm adult. If you are out of control use the time out to get your composure. A spanking in anger WILL go to far. It should hurt but should not leave a bruise.

Spankings are used for defiance/disobedience only. Not for something you haven't made a rule for yet or innocent misbehavior or discovery mess.

Q. At what age should you spank?

A. When the disobedience starts. You may say to your 15 month hold still while I change your diaper or you will get a spanking. They continue to squirm give a little pat on their bottom. Your child goes to touch something you tell her no no, they touch it anyway you pat there hand. You can spank early with light pats, it more your tone that will communicate what they need so make sure it's a I mean business tone. Continue to follow though. You may have to do it a few times before they get it and don't expect them to remember it right away. You must always remind children younger than 3 of the behavior and consequence before you can follow through. They just don't have the memory to remember between one incidence and another but they will start remembering the word spanking.

3-4 years of age I also remind, but age 5 and 6 can remember rules and consequences.

Q. How old is too old for spankings?

A. Depends on maturity Once they start 1^st grade you should have picked up on another currency to use with them. Bike time, silly bands, privileges. Then you can start getting rid of spankings. 5 and 6 year olds are also good at coming up with rules and consequences so you can enlist there help, make sure they know that the consequences have to be something they don't like.  If you spank them early you will not have to do as much spanking at 4 or 5.  

Spankings are Biblical and they are used for disobedience and defiance.

Proverbs 23:13-14 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.

I use a wooden spoon for a rod but I only use it 3 years and up. Before then my hand does enough. But when they start laughing or don't seem to be bothered it tells you your spanking was worthless it didn't hurt enough or at all. That is when I switched to a spoon.

Here is what I have used for a behavior consequence chart. This is just an idea not your set of rules. You can modify this for your family or situation. I also know there are cases such as with foster children that spankings are not allowed so you have to get a little more creative to teach them the rules of behavior.

Rules of Behavior and Consequence Chart

Notice I didn't have anything on there about sitting still. There are some things frigidity kids cannot do for long periods of time, especially when they get bored.

How you discipline your children will have an effect on there future.

Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

What this means is you train them in the fear of the Lord and to respect and fear you they will remember the teaching forever. They will eventually know where they fall short of your expectation and will strive to become more self controlled. 

Want to see what happens when there is no discipline?

1 Samuel 2:22-25 Now Eli, who was very old, heard about everything his sons were doing to all Israel and how they slept with the women who served at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting. So he said to them, "Why do you do such things? I hear from all the people about these wicked deeds of yours. No, my sons; it is not a good report that I hear spreading among the LORD's people. f a man sins against another man, God may mediate for him; but if a man sins against the LORD, who will intercede for him?" His sons, however, did not listen to their father's rebuke, for it was the LORD's will to put them to death.

Yes, you will hear about it and be ashamed. You will give them counsel and they will not listen. Then they will get the consequences there actions have earned.

My worst nightmare is that my children will not turn to God so I spend a lot of effort to make sure they know God and know God's word. Do you have a plan to teach your kids about God. Sunday school only will not cut it. You must live it by word, action and by your attitude. The fear of the Lord is the most important thing you will teach your child, do not neglect it.

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Put being a mom in a the correct place in your priority list not above being wife and certainly not above God.

Homework:

1. List your fears as a mom
2. Ask God to show you new ways to trust him with each of those fears.

Memory verse: 

Matthew 18:10 "See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.

Going Further: Set down and make a Behavior and Consequence chart with your husband. Ask him how you put your children above him in the priority list and set ways to fix that.