Chapter 7

Chapter 7: “Try the Oyster, Dear”

As humans there is lots of changes that occur in our lives. Just to name a few take these verses for example from Ecclesiastes 3:

1There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

2a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

So even if this chapter wasn't pertinent to you it will be. If your at a struggling point in your marriage when it comes to sex or the lack of, don't count all as a loss. God can heal your marriage and your sex life.

This chapter is sort of the starting point to talk about the problems you and your spouse might be having in your sexual relationship. There is often the temptation when things are going bad to not talk and not ask for help from God or from a good Christian counselor. I myself had a very difficult time in my marriage that I just avoided the subject but it only got worse. It's like the old elephant in the room type of situation. It's a hot subject and no one wants to go near it because it can explode into a nasty situation of blame casting and hurt feelings. Let me first encourage you, you are not alone.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

I'm certainly not saying leave your spouse, I am saying look for a way out of the temptation to leave or ignore the situation.

I think this is a good chapter to discuss communication skills with a list of do's and don't. If you see you've been doing something on the don't list apologize for it and try again.

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Do:

*Set a time and date to talk with your spouse so you can pray and also they know it's coming. You don't have to give all the details but tell them to pray also for the conversation upcoming. This also shows respect for there time and that you think this is important. This also allows for some for thought about meals and in house routines and privacy.

* Allow plenty of time and sit close to each other. Don't stand while one sits, be on the same level.

* Use I statements not you. It may make your spouse defensive if you use you.

*A good way to show another person that you are listening carefully to him or her is to repeat what he or she has said. Say for example your partner tells you: "You have been very distant lately," you then say, "So you are saying I have been distant?"

Follow up with an open ended question like "Tell me more about what you mean." By saying that, you can verify what the other person has said and make him or her feel comfortable about talking to you about his or her concern.

* Do make the person you are talking to feel secure by offering a lot of support and appreciation. This gets the silent types to open up more and feel at ease.

* Do listen carefully and avoid interrupting while the other person is talking. I know this can be difficult, just keep working on it.

* Do relax. Feeling anxious can mess up your confidence and attention. Take deep breathes when you feel like you need to end the conversation because of fear or panic.

* Do get to the point and be clear on what you want to get across or if you have any questions.

*Do watch your tone and body language.

Don't

* Don’t use offensive vocabularies and expressions in the way you communicate. It is very disrespectful and cheapens your communication skills.

* Don’t feel that everything has to be resolved at one time, one problem at a time. Reschedule a new time to talk.

* Don’t make your date or partner feel uncomfortable by judging, criticizing, or making fun of what he or she has to say.

*Don't do all the talking allow your spouse a chance to talk or voice his/her concerns/needs.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

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Homework: Start practicing your communication skills and paying attention to how you communicate and how your spouse communicates to you.

Memory verse:

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Going further: Here is a free test based on Gary Chapman's book “The Five Love Languages”

Find out yours and your husband love language. They can change through your lifetime but it is a good place to start now to know how to show love to your spouse. http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp

Chapter 6

Chapter 6:  What is this creature called "Man"?

After reading this chapter, I realized how uneducated I really am. Everyone talks about how strong a women's hormones are (ie. PMS)  and how they affect her behavior, but even as a nurse, I had no idea what the hormone testosterone does for men.  This chapter was a big eye opener for me.   

So women, how long have you been looking at your side of the story and not realizing what is going on with him? I admit, I have been doing this a long time. We want to know what is going on with him but really we want to know what is going on with him and how it pertains to us. After reading this chapter, I realize how selfish I really am. Do you?  

So now that the guilt has come how do you and I deal with it?

1. We go to the source, God

I apologize to God for being selfish and not really understanding my husband and assuming he could control his hormones completely and not let them affect me, when I know mine often have a way of affecting me. I tell him all the wrong things I think about my husband, how selfish I thought he was. I apologize for how selfish I really am. I apologize for minimizing his pain (the whole picture of over filled with milk breasts, really spoke to me).

Matthew 7:5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Philippians 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Did you start reading this book primary for you or to fix your husband? I apologize to God for trying to fix my husband and realizing what was broken was my vision or my view. I apologize to God for my selfish ambition.

2. I go to my husband after a prayer time with God.

I take the time to apologize for not understanding him at all and thinking he didn't understand me. I ask for his help in learning him. I tell him how sorry I am that I have not met his needs sexually. I apologize for not understanding how his hormones affect him. I apologize for thinking he was selfish for not understanding me and my needs and how I was really selfish in not understanding him and thinking only of myself. I Don't lie. I don't make promises I can't keep.  I ask for patience from him husband as I make changes in my heart and attitude about sex and in my heart and attitude toward him.   

3. I allow God and my husband to help mold me into a wife who really loves my husband not just what he can do for me.

1 Corinthians 13:5 (Love)It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

4. I make a commitment to study my husband to learn him. To not be so concerned by my own well being that I forget my husband.

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This is the make it or break it chapter. It is the chapter that demands change. Will you change?

James 1:22-25 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it--he will be blessed in what he does.

Will you obey with your heart?

1 Corinthians 7:4-5 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Will you change only because of guilt or for genuine love for you husband?  Love is an action or a verb it requires action or work, the feelings come after the work or action.

1 Corinthians 16:14 Do everything in love.

If your changing because of guilt only your changes will not last.

This chapter also talks a bit about manipulation of your husband. Have you been manipulating your husband? If so stop, apologize, and don't' do it again.

It also talks about improving the bond between you and your husband. Work on that.

Homework: Questions at the end of the chapter.

Memory verse:

1 Corinthians 16:14 Do everything in love.

Going further: Re-read this chapter, high light what your actions have been and find verses to help you change. Put them where you can see them and work on memorization. Honestly talk to your husband.