Chapter 7

Chapter 7: “Try the Oyster, Dear”

As humans there is lots of changes that occur in our lives. Just to name a few take these verses for example from Ecclesiastes 3:

1There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

2a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

So even if this chapter wasn't pertinent to you it will be. If your at a struggling point in your marriage when it comes to sex or the lack of, don't count all as a loss. God can heal your marriage and your sex life.

This chapter is sort of the starting point to talk about the problems you and your spouse might be having in your sexual relationship. There is often the temptation when things are going bad to not talk and not ask for help from God or from a good Christian counselor. I myself had a very difficult time in my marriage that I just avoided the subject but it only got worse. It's like the old elephant in the room type of situation. It's a hot subject and no one wants to go near it because it can explode into a nasty situation of blame casting and hurt feelings. Let me first encourage you, you are not alone.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

I'm certainly not saying leave your spouse, I am saying look for a way out of the temptation to leave or ignore the situation.

I think this is a good chapter to discuss communication skills with a list of do's and don't. If you see you've been doing something on the don't list apologize for it and try again.

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Do:

*Set a time and date to talk with your spouse so you can pray and also they know it's coming. You don't have to give all the details but tell them to pray also for the conversation upcoming. This also shows respect for there time and that you think this is important. This also allows for some for thought about meals and in house routines and privacy.

* Allow plenty of time and sit close to each other. Don't stand while one sits, be on the same level.

* Use I statements not you. It may make your spouse defensive if you use you.

*A good way to show another person that you are listening carefully to him or her is to repeat what he or she has said. Say for example your partner tells you: "You have been very distant lately," you then say, "So you are saying I have been distant?"

Follow up with an open ended question like "Tell me more about what you mean." By saying that, you can verify what the other person has said and make him or her feel comfortable about talking to you about his or her concern.

* Do make the person you are talking to feel secure by offering a lot of support and appreciation. This gets the silent types to open up more and feel at ease.

* Do listen carefully and avoid interrupting while the other person is talking. I know this can be difficult, just keep working on it.

* Do relax. Feeling anxious can mess up your confidence and attention. Take deep breathes when you feel like you need to end the conversation because of fear or panic.

* Do get to the point and be clear on what you want to get across or if you have any questions.

*Do watch your tone and body language.

Don't

* Don’t use offensive vocabularies and expressions in the way you communicate. It is very disrespectful and cheapens your communication skills.

* Don’t feel that everything has to be resolved at one time, one problem at a time. Reschedule a new time to talk.

* Don’t make your date or partner feel uncomfortable by judging, criticizing, or making fun of what he or she has to say.

*Don't do all the talking allow your spouse a chance to talk or voice his/her concerns/needs.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

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Homework: Start practicing your communication skills and paying attention to how you communicate and how your spouse communicates to you.

Memory verse:

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Going further: Here is a free test based on Gary Chapman's book “The Five Love Languages”

Find out yours and your husband love language. They can change through your lifetime but it is a good place to start now to know how to show love to your spouse. http://www.afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp